It has been a couple weeks since I updated the blog. I'm still trying to process everything so it's taking me a little longer to get my thoughts on paper (or the Internet). Ben, my mom, and I met with my oncologist on Tuesday, the 6th, and we came up with a plan for my treatment. In that meeting, as she actually scheduled my chemo treatments in the computer, things started to sink in. After meeting with my doctor, we went over to the fertility clinic to discuss our options with the team there. The ladies (doctors) that I met with were so kind and I genuinely felt like they wanted to help. They listed out our options, pros and cons of each, and I left there feeling like we had enough information to make an educated decision.
Ben and I discussed our options. I cried, a lot, and we made a decision. I went in on the 8th to get the Zoladex injection. This will shut my ovaries down during treatment and put me into temporary menopause. The hope is that it will protect my ovaries during chemo and therefore give me a better chance of conceiving another baby down the road, when all of this is OVER! My doctor wants me to give the injection 2 weeks to do its job before beginning treatment, so chemo was pushed back a bit. Ben has been so supportive and I know he is doing his very best to make me feel comfortable with our decisions, this process, and my illness. Being the spouse of someone who has cancer has to be so tough, and he is holding up really well.
Praise Report! I got my BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 results back and I DO NOT carry the breast cancer gene! Thank you, Jesus! This means I do not have the actual gene that can be passed onto our girls. We will likely do some additional genetic testing down the road, but for now, I am celebrating that this gene is not present in my body. I can't express how grateful I am for all of the prayers. God is good, all the time.
"And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.” Matthew 21:22
This last week has been really rough. While I'm not angry that I have cancer, I am mourning the things cancer is taking from me. I have nursed Madeline for 2 years. I never imagined I would nurse a baby that long, but I have absolutely loved it. On Friday, as she nursed to sleep, I began sobbing. I knew this day was coming, but when I realized that I had less than a week left of nursing her, it really hit me. She is so attached...and apparently so am I. I don't want to have to tell her no. I don't want her to think I don't want to comfort her. I don't want to move her out of our bed at night, but I have to. I can't take the risk that she will roll over and nurse while I'm asleep, because the drugs that will be in my body are not healthy for nursing. I'm sad, really sad, that this nursing journey is coming to an end. I'm upset that I will unlikely be able to nurse our future child/ren. That breaks my heart.
I will begin chemo this Friday, the 23rd. I feel 100% right now. I have to pinch myself sometimes to believe this is real. I have been going about my daily life as if nothing is wrong and literally had to remind myself the other day that I have cancer. The anxiousness sets in daily, however, as my eyes randomly fill up with tears and I suddenly feel like the breath has been knocked out of me. It is so crazy how dangerous this disease is, yet how normal you can feel while it attacks your body. I am getting nervous about Friday. I am scared. I am fearful of how my body will react to chemo. How will I feel? How will I look? When will the sickness hit me? So many questions and more emotions than I can even express, BUT through all of that, I know that my God is in control and that He won't leave my side. I'm finding comfort in these verses today.
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." Psalm 56:3
"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19
"Humble yourselves, then, under God’s mighty hand, so that he will lift you up in his own good time. Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7
Specific prayer requests:
Madeline will be able to adapt to not nursing and that I won't feel inadequate when she needs me.
My tumor and body will respond well to chemo.
I am able to control my emotions as I lose my hair and begin to look different physically.
Zoladex does it's job to protect my ovaries and doesn't make me a crazy person while in menopause.
Most importantly, please continue to cover in prayer: Ben, our girls, my family, and friends who never fail to amaze me with their generosity. My support system is incredible, but I know they will have moments when this seems too tough to handle. Please pray for strength, understanding, and peace that only God can provide.
With love,
Heather
