I Hate Cancer.

Well, here I sit, 5 hours before I need to be up to head to the hospital for surgery, and I can't sleep. My mind is racing and I have so many thoughts running through my head. Since my last update, I completed my final scan after chemo. It showed that my tumor had shrunk some, but also revealed that there is still a 2-2.5 cm mass in my breast and cancer in my lymph nodes. My surgeon explained that the mass could very likely be made up of dead tissue and it does not mean that it is all active cancer cells, so that gave me hope.

I go in tomorrow to have a lumpectomy and a full lymph node dissection. I am excited to get this step over with, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't anxious. I've never had a major surgery and just don't know what to expect. I will be out of work for a month, so at least I'll have time to heal.

This week has been tough on my emotions. I have been able to hold it together pretty well throughout my journey, but I hate cancer more than ever right now. I've been reminded this week how devastating and vicious this disease really is.

I hate cancer because it is stealing the life of a lady I adore so much. She is a beautiful soul who should be celebrating the birth of her first grandchild, but instead, cancer has robbed her and her family of that joy.

I hate that cancer is making me miss my sweet Alaina's Valentine's Day party at school tomorrow due to surgery. I know its not the end of the world and in 10 years she likely won't remember that I wasn't there, but it breaks my mama heart to not be able to share that fun experience with her. She asked me today if I always have doctor appointments on days that she has school. I hate that cancer is forcing my baby to think about hospitals, doctors, and sickness.

I hate that cancer is making me take off a month from a job that I truly love. I know most people would welcome a month break from work, but for me, its not like that. I love my job, my boss, my teammates, my customers, and everything about the company I work for.

I hate that cancer has made me have a distorted body image. I never used to be the person who looked in the mirror and thought negative thoughts about my appearance. I've always been comfortable with my body and how I looked, even when I wasn't in the best shape. Cancer has changed that.

The devil is attacking my thoughts and doing everything he can to convince me that this disease is going to take my life. I have to tell him daily that he will not win. His words have no truth and my God says otherwise. It is a daily struggle, but I have to take back control so that I can continue to fight this battle.

Although I'm struggling tonight, I am choosing to refocus my mind and press on to the finish line.

I'm grateful to know that, although we wish we could have her here forever, my sweet friend will soon meet Jesus and will be pain free.

I'm blessed to have a mother in law that will fill in for me tomorrow at Alaina's party so that I can have pictures of my girl and see the excitement on her face.

I'm thankful to have a job that I love and to work for a company that encourages me to take care of myself without worrying about what goes on while I'm out.

And although I might not be happy with my body right now, I'm alive. I'm still here to fight for this life that God has blessed me with, and that's what's important.

Specific Prayer Requests:
My friend Cindy and her family. Please pray for her to be pain free and for her family to be comforted during this difficult time.
My surgery will go well and my surgeon will be able to remove all cancer cells and get clear margins.
I will have a quick recovery and be back to picking my babies up in no time!

Thank you for your faithfulness to pray.

With love,

Heather