August 11th. A day that will be forever ingrained in my brain. Today is one year since I heard the words, "Heather, it's cancer". IT'S CANCER. Two words that carried the weight of the world had just been dropped on me. The very moment that I was given my diagnosis is so fresh on my mind. I can't even comprehend that a year has passed. It is hard to believe that in a short year, I have endured countless doctor visits, 10 rounds of chemo, surgery, and 30 radiation treatments. I have cried more tears than I knew my body could produce. I have prayed more prayers than I ever had before. I have learned more about this disease than I ever dreamed of knowing, and through all that, I'm here. I'm alive. Thank you God, for your faithfulness.
Cancer is not just a physical challenge. Cancer can destroy you mentally and emotionally. For the past year, I feel like physically, I have held up pretty well. I have had an INCREDIBLE support system and there hasn't been a day that went by that I didn't feel the prayers you guys were praying for me. I wish I could say that my mind has always been in line with my physical fight. There have been tough days...really tough days. Though I've had unwavering support, there have been days when the Devil has held captive my thoughts and convinced me that this is the end. Although the slogan says, "No one fights alone", and I believe that to be true as far as my support system goes, there isn't anyone out there that truly understands MY battle. My journey is personal to me and I can't expect my family and friends to fully grasp what its like to walk in my shoes. I have spent this past year being "strong" and not letting anyone see my tough times. I have very rarely, like maybe three times, cried in front of my husband, and those were generally at doctor visits. I have kept my guard up and tried to be a rock for those around me. That sounds great on the outside. It sounds courageous and inspiring, but the truth is, reality and human nature eventually set in. When I walked out of my last radiation treatment on July 25, my mental battle had just begun. I, as always, had my army behind me cheering me on and congratulating me for a job well done. You would think that would be a happy day, but I just couldn't bring myself to celebrate. The Devil had convinced me that July 25 wasn't not a day that I had completed the race, but instead a day that I would be coming off treatment, therefore allowing cancer to grow again inside my body. Instead of spending the day with a joyful, thankful heart, I spent the day doubting that my all powerful, all knowing God could completely heal me. I have asked God to forgive me for those thoughts and I believe He knows my heart.
I spent the weekend after treatment ended on a wonderful getaway with Ben and then returned to work the next week. I can't express how excited I was to be back at my job. I've said it before and I will scream it from the rooftops again, ScentAir is an amazing company that has been so very good to me. Never once have they questioned me. Never once have they made me feel bad for taking time off. Never once have I felt like my job was in any jeopardy after needing to take extended leave, which is not legally required. I am honored to be employed by them.
Since going back to work, my life has felt pretty normal. I have enjoyed not having to go into treatment everyday and am getting back into the swing of life. Whenever anyone mentions the doctor, my girls proudly proclaim, "You're done with the doctor, mama!" It is music to my ears. Our girls are my greatest joy. I could have never imagined their brain capacity at such young ages. It seems like since day 1, they have been fairly aware of what's going on and have been able to cheer me up and motivate me whenever I needed it. Being a mom is life's greatest blessing and I thank God that he saw me fit to raise Alaina and Madeline.
I have mentioned in previous posts my desire to have more children. If I'm being honest, this is the absolute hardest part of my diagnosis for me. I am struggling the most with the thought of not being able to grow our family and this sadness is almost too much to handle a lot of days. I find myself mourning over the children I don't even have on a daily basis. I have so much anger towards this disease and what is has taken from me. Then, in those moments when I feel like I'm about to lose every ounce of my heart, I am reminded that God is faithful. I know He has a plan. I know His plan is far greater than anything I could EVER imagine. And I know He will fulfill the desires of my heart in His timing. All that said, it is still tough. Very tough.
I had a meeting with my oncologist yesterday. Going in, I figured it would be a brief get together. She'd ask how I was feeling, remind me to take my medicine every day, then I'd be on my way. I didn't take anyone with me (shocker) because I really thought it would be routine and basic. Before seeing my doctor, my nurse April came in. Before going any further, I want to praise her for what she has meant to me over the past year. She has laughed, cried, encouraged, and prayed with me and our friendship is one that I could not have survived this year without. When she came in the room, we began to chat. I told her about some of the anxiety and fears I've been having and she assured me that I was normal. That's still debatable. I had a few emotional breakdowns and then we moved forward. My doctor came in and we discussed a few thing. I asked her about future plans, monitoring, medication, etc. I was able to connect with her on a different level yesterday and that was really nice. I explained some of my thoughts about the cancer lingering in my body, returning, not really being gone, etc. This was her response...are you guys ready??
"Heather, you are CANCER FREE! You are HEALED! The key word for you to remember is HAD. You HAD cancer. You do not anymore. When people ask you what's next, you tell them you are CURED!"
Y'all...CANCER FREE. Two words that carried the weight of the world, had just been lifted OFF of me. Just one year ago, I thought I would die. I thought I would leave Ben to raise our girls alone. I believed that this was the end for me. I fell for the lies of the Devil. But NO! Not on my God's watch! He is so good! He has fulfilled his promises to me once again. As I read back over my blog from start to finish this morning, I was brought to my knees. I can't count the times I cried out, "Thank you, Jesus"! Reading the post that I wrote about August 11, 2016, I sensed a woman who was broken, fearful, and uncertain. I was at my lowest point. The woman who writes today, August 11, 2017 is a changed woman. I still have moments of brokenness, fearfulness, and uncertainty, but once again, I have seen the goodness of God. He has pulled me from the pit of despair and answered my prayers in a mighty way. In my first post, I wrote:
"This is what I know. My God is GOOD. He loves me and has a plan for my life. This was not my plan, but I have such a peace about it. Cancer will not kill me. God has something so much bigger in store for me. I want to come out of this, on the other side, ALIVE, and know that I'm changed. Not on the outside, not just physically on the inside, but completely changed at my core, in my soul. The way that only He can change me. "
Wow...he did that and more. I am changed. HE has changed me. My faith has grown leaps and bounds since I got the call that I had cancer and being able to announce that my cancer is GONE one year to the day from when Satan tried to destroy me, feels so amazing. Cancer does not define me, but it will always define a season of my life in which I learned a tremendous amount about myself, realized the value of cultivating relationships, and for the first time stopped taking for granted the beautiful opportunity to live this life.
Since finishing treatment, I am asked on a daily basis (literally at least 5 times a day) when I will get more scans. Unfortunately, that's not in the cards for me, right now. First off, because my body has been through a lot and is inflamed from all the radiation. Secondly, studies have shown that exposing patients to excessive scans can have adverse effects and they don't prove to improve survival rate. Right now, my doctor has no reason to believe there is cancer remaining in my body, so why should I expose my self to the radiation and everything else that comes with them? All prior scans were clear, other than in the areas that we knew about. We removed the cancer we were aware of, so why should we think that after 10 months of treatment, new cancer has shown up? I know this all makes sense, although I admit, I struggle with this as I know a lot of you do too. I've heard your concerns and appreciate them. I trust my doctor and know she has my best interest at heart. Before leaving my doctor visit, my sweet nurse April reminded me of Who I place my trust in. She reminded me that I was not given a spirit of fear, but instead the power of love. My trust is in Him, not scans! Scans are not 100% and they are still read by a person, who can easily make human mistakes. My God, however, doesn't make mistakes. He has me and has delivered on every promise thus far. He will not forsake me and I believe that wholeheartedly.
I cannot express enough how much you guys mean to me. I have received so much encouragement this year and it just blows me away. Cards, food, gift cards, kid sitting, house cleaning, messages, rides, letters of encouragement, handmade gifts, texts, hugs, gift baskets, grass cutting, prayers....the list goes on and on. People I know, people I don't, old friends, new friends, neighbors, small group friends, coworkers, etc. It's just amazing. I am so undeserving, but eternally grateful.
Specific prayer requests:
That my mind will stay focused on the truth & my faith will not waiver on the tough days.
That my heart will align with God's will in regards to more children.
Lastly, that cancer will NEVER rear its ugly head in my body again. I will remain CANCER FREE for all the days of my life, never showing any symptoms that would EVER warrant a scan!
Thank you Jesus, for saving me. For giving me a testimony to share your grace and love. For bringing me together with some incredible people along this journey who have impacted me and changed me for the better. I owe it all to You, for You are worthy of all my praise.
With love,
Heather
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